Sleeplessness

Night lasts all day for me. The wheels in my mind never stop spinning. I have tried everything just to slow them down. Beer, tv, reefer, movies, sleeping pills, Ny Quil, nothing works. Its always the same. I lay down to doze and within minutes, I snap back to life. The gears whirr and buzz back to life like a steam engine grinding away behind my red, itchy eye sockets. Dreams are a luxury that my mind doesn’t have. When I do dream, they aren’t so much dreams as they are nightmares. Nightmares that would make any man quake and cower. Some nights I relive the horrors of my darkest days. Some nights I see buildings crumble and fires rage from unexplained disaster. The only thing that always remains constant is that I am alone. Occasionally I witness those I once cared for being taken from me but usually they are lost because of my actions, just as it is in so called waking life. I lie for hours staring into the ceiling, it feels like it is getting lower and closer to my face. Bowing inward, downward, it is inches from my nose. I can feel my brain oozing out of my ears and pooling onto the sweat soaked pillow under my head.

When I am at work all I want is to leave and when I leave all I want to do is go back. I float through my day. My head bobs in and out of clouds. “Are you ok?” “You look tired” I work with one hundred people who ask the same questions one hundred times. When I say that I can’t sleep, they laugh, they think its a party. Could anyone really know what happens to me when I am not there and I’m not in character? Do they know that the party is to keep a breakdown at bay? I halfheartedly explain it if I give a shit but in the end, they couldn’t understand. When you try to tell people your problems they offer the most moronic advice. They will suggest things that you tried over and over as if you never thought of them anyways and I don’t wan to hear it. I secretly want to make them hate me as much as I hate myself. Can I tell them that I am not their performing monkey? Can I tell them that every night I lie on the couch, floor bed and bathtub hoping that tonight is the night that I finally sleep? They want me to perform regardless. Thats what I do. I make them all laugh and giggle and snicker. They whisper that they can’t believe what I just said. Never sated, they want more. If I’m not performing at that moment, something must be wrong with me and I’m an asshole. So I should just perform. I can put on the clown paint, its easier anyways because thats just what I do.

Tonight has been a particularly long night. I ate a half bar of Xanax when I got off of work at 8 and the other at about 3 AM. I have been staring out the window at the boarded up houses behind my building since. I often go out and explore them but March in Cleveland is a bitch and I’m not anxious enough to freeze my dick off tonight. The Xanax and scotch I’ve been drinking are making me shake enough. I crack the window enough to stick my hand out. The ice cold drizzle forms bubbles on my skin that burst and run down my arm. I could fit my whole body out if I wanted to but I hang my head until the water forms a sieve in my hair and a waterfall in front of my face. I watch as the stream dumps all of the way down to the parking lot below. I look back over my shoulder and remember that I was watching Bucktown with Fred Williamson and Pam Grier. Johnny Pate’s score from the film is a favorite of mine. Damn, Pam was sexy. Reminds me that I am lonely as hell. I have always been successful with women, despite my looks. Relationships have always been easy for me to attain but not so easy to keep. I ruin most things I touch and women are no different. Who cares? I try to convince myself out loud in slurred speech. Fuck it. I don’t give a shit. I lie to no one but myself. My knees begin to weaken and I feel like I am going to pass out. Things begin to go black, I try to resist at first but not for long. Passing out could be the only way at this point. I drop to the cold concrete floor and my mind goes blank. Sweet sleep is finally upon me. Flashes of the pain I have experienced over the last few months blow through my mind. I felt the full throttle of pain shoot right through my heart. It opened my eyes for a moment. I lie on my side wondering where I was for a moment. I felt the wheels start to spin again, slowly at first and within seconds they were back to full blast. The sun was coming up and Johnny Pate’s soundtrack was still playing in the background. I had to be at work in two hours. Again, night has lasted all day.